Wednesday, July 15, 2009


i thought to listen to some music to inspire my thoughts to come into an order haha i just made myself laugh since the only thing i can't do is keep anything organized yaa it's kind of upsetting. God what did i want to say why my words don’t make any sense ... well i guess what I wanted to talk about is the fact that i am just a boring person and my social skills start to crumble i mean i don't think i have anything interesting to say and keeping up a conversation with friends and family became such a frustration because it’s seems as if they don’t want to listen and at times I find myself at fault because I tend to repeat things but a sometime it’s just more than that it’s just that people find no interest to be around me well I guess I can’t blame them I am known for having a hard time keeping friendships I guess I am just feeling lost as if I have to relearn the meaning of friendships and relationships although they don’t make any sense to me anymore so I guess i feel as if silence is better maybe people will find me more mysterious …

Saturday, June 27, 2009

cut me open

it is back i feel like this time i don't have control over it's like i am losing against my own mind as if death is just comfort not only for me but for others as well.... in the past few months i was very happy and i tried to keep my self busy doing things all the time to distract myself from this continues battle against my own mind and i would even laugh about it thinking that it's fixable but i just can't think straight anymore i got hurt and i hurt another person to save myself from losing my sanity again but my heart is breaking apart and my mind as well . also i have changed so much ; personalty wise i don't even recognize myself is this actually me or another fake personalty i adapted due to nerves break down; a smiley cheerful, energetic, optimistic , cute girl almost a child like i am tired of wearing a mask of a happy person when i am turning into dust from inside all i want is to cry and sleep but i hold my tears, place a smile on my face and occupy my self with going out or doing anything productive just to keep up and fight but i am not sure i can keep up
i have to admit i found love but it just cut my chest with no mercy ...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Bring one rose to my grave

(Emotional breakdown as usual)

Have you ever been afraid of never finding that one person that will make you want to give up on everything the one and only who will make you feel true pain through every single part of your body… well I am afraid I will never find him he might get on the bus that will never come back he might walk by me as I watch the ground beneath me… if you really think about it every minute can change the whole world it can save life it can bring someone who walked away it can bring that beautiful feeling of a firs or last kiss
It is so painful to think about that one piece that matching so perfectly and let it slip away let it go as if it never belonged to you as if you never deserved it in the first place it is even hard to breath or think it brings me to tears knowing that I might never find that true love I only wish that I had it for one day just one day like Ren and Nana …but the question is do I even deserve it … do I really deserve even being burned by it for the slightest moment I guess I don’t but I won’t settle for sympathy or one sided love I would rather wait for him even if he will never come and die with a smile on my face knowing that I belong only to him and that I have waited …
Just something of the moment so not related to my love talk but those lines wont leave me alone I heard them in a movie I think it was Tracy or some thing like this I am not sure what the exact words but it went some thing like this “a girl disappears everyone looking for her she dies on the ground and after a while flowers grow from her body then the bees come and make honey from those flowers and the family eats the honey so they eat the girl…

Bring a black rose, bring a red rose, bring a white rose, bring a dark blue rose and braid them in my hair

Monday, January 5, 2009

Blessed moment of critical mood change

I am thinking on getting up and make myself another green tea yap in the past few weeks it feels like tea is my main source of food since it seems to be the fastest thing to make and to put in my mouth water tea and honey enough to shut the hunger, but to be honest… I am not even hungry I am stressed as always or maybe it is my period that giving me such hard times it drains the life out of me I swear to god last night I looked as pail as the walls in my apartment maybe this is why no one noticed me in my lovely lizard look Geez ignorance is so cruel oh well why I am complaining it is not like I haven’t been through this before hmm.. I guess some things don’t change even after so many years, now that I think about it why did I even start to drink green tea I know that in the past I have been a coffee addict well I guess I was drinking too much of it till I reached the point that it made me want to puke I couldn’t even stand the smell of it sheesh I felt like a pregnant woman when ever the smell of coffee was around me oh bad times it’s better not to remember how I fell madly in love with the school coffee machine but seriously this machine left me broke what a gold digger well that wasn’t the only reason I think the hungry scary vampire eyes might have had some affect on why I stopped drinking coffee many people say that coffee causes dark circles under the eyes so I thought if I stop drinking it then the scary vampire look will go away but as always I was wrong my drug addict look will never go away I guess I am cursed with those scary eyes
Oh god why I am even talking about tea and coffee is has nothing to do with anything oh why I am even here I don’t remember on agreeing to live in this world and I am pretty sure I didn’t sing any contract why no one asked me if I want to be here why no one gave me the choice of living or dieing how can people be so selfish creating life here and there …and why dieing is so damn hard …everyone probably have the same question in their head why I don’t want to live or rather they have an assumption of another stupid suicidal case but I don’t think I am just a regular case and why I am not content in my life I have to admit that I don’t have the answer I just know that I am not happy , I don’t have dreams or goals in life and there is no one I want to live for it sounds like I am rather bored well I don’t know why but I feel like I am in prison the prison is around me and within me but there is no certain reason why there is just the fact that I want to be nothing or something like ash just to flow without a worry

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Who I am …. Cold as a stone

Seriously I have no idea what to write well it was Christmas break that came to an end how lovely don’t you think so yap I had two weeks to relax among the four walls of my small apartment, well while many people would have probably go out to party I spend my two weeks in front of the computer watching anime shows but I can’t complain this is how I am lately I have zero motivation for anything and to think that most young people got a job and not such bad marks at school I am more of a failure in life and for the last two days I have been crying at night till I fell asleep my tears were my lullaby, I couldn’t stop them from going and I couldn’t fall asleep because my feet were so cold so as I crawled into a little ball holding my legs as close as I could to my chest to warm up under the thin covers , I came to realize that I am a terrible person and even selfish and I have no goals or dreams in life and I guess when you don’t have any passion in life then life is worthless …hmm I also came to realize that I run more than I face my fears and I lie to myself more than necessary … I guess I live in a world in which sense of realty doesn’t exist everything seems like a terrible TV show and I am the character that ends up dieing on the street with a terrible breath coming out of my mouth, teeth less, poor hungry, dirty, old ,ugly and worthless just another rat on the street... but don’t get me wrong I am not lazy when it comes to work but studying seems such a waist of time or rather life , I wish I could study better but of course there is also a the “but” word sheesh I use it too much so many excuses and nothing to be done I wish I could be more like the female character form the anime” Itazura Kiss “she maybe not smart or talented but she is a hard worker , persistent, determined and she never gives up she is everything I want to be well I guess maybe this might be some kind of goal to become more like her … and here comes another but yes and my question is what is my motivation hers was love but I am not able to love and I don’t believe anyone can stand long enough by my side to love me for who I am and believe me I know myself …I have a terrible character that stings everyone who comes too close me( this is one of the reasons i haven't contacted anyone of my friends in the past few months , lied to them and cut them out of my life) on the surface I can be sweet but under those layers I am your worst nightmare I have to admit when I burn it hurts pretty bad but I swear I tried to be a good and loving person I know it shouldn't be too hard but I failed so many times… I guess I am better in being alone , if I could I would probably become a nun and live a happy solitary life but there are no such places where I live I have seen only one nun here and I am pretty sure she was some kind of tourist...

I am cold as a stone and you probably ask why stone and not ice well because ice melts and turns into something else and it is not solid or cold anymore but a stone no matter how long you heat it up at the end when the fire dies it is still cold, hard and unchanged