cut me open

it is back i feel like this time i don't have control over it's like i am losing against my own mind as if death is just comfort not only for me but for others as well.... in the past few months i was very happy and i tried to keep my self busy doing things all the time to distract myself from this continues battle against my own mind and i would even laugh about it thinking that it's fixable but i just can't think straight anymore i got hurt and i hurt another person to save myself from losing my sanity again but my heart is breaking apart and my mind as well . also i have changed so much ; personalty wise i don't even recognize myself is this actually me or another fake personalty i adapted due to nerves break down; a smiley cheerful, energetic, optimistic , cute girl almost a child like i am tired of wearing a mask of a happy person when i am turning into dust from inside all i want is to cry and sleep but i hold my tears, place a smile on my face and occupy my self with going out or doing anything productive just to keep up and fight but i am not sure i can keep up
i have to admit i found love but it just cut my chest with no mercy ...