Saturday, January 3, 2009

Who I am …. Cold as a stone

Seriously I have no idea what to write well it was Christmas break that came to an end how lovely don’t you think so yap I had two weeks to relax among the four walls of my small apartment, well while many people would have probably go out to party I spend my two weeks in front of the computer watching anime shows but I can’t complain this is how I am lately I have zero motivation for anything and to think that most young people got a job and not such bad marks at school I am more of a failure in life and for the last two days I have been crying at night till I fell asleep my tears were my lullaby, I couldn’t stop them from going and I couldn’t fall asleep because my feet were so cold so as I crawled into a little ball holding my legs as close as I could to my chest to warm up under the thin covers , I came to realize that I am a terrible person and even selfish and I have no goals or dreams in life and I guess when you don’t have any passion in life then life is worthless …hmm I also came to realize that I run more than I face my fears and I lie to myself more than necessary … I guess I live in a world in which sense of realty doesn’t exist everything seems like a terrible TV show and I am the character that ends up dieing on the street with a terrible breath coming out of my mouth, teeth less, poor hungry, dirty, old ,ugly and worthless just another rat on the street... but don’t get me wrong I am not lazy when it comes to work but studying seems such a waist of time or rather life , I wish I could study better but of course there is also a the “but” word sheesh I use it too much so many excuses and nothing to be done I wish I could be more like the female character form the anime” Itazura Kiss “she maybe not smart or talented but she is a hard worker , persistent, determined and she never gives up she is everything I want to be well I guess maybe this might be some kind of goal to become more like her … and here comes another but yes and my question is what is my motivation hers was love but I am not able to love and I don’t believe anyone can stand long enough by my side to love me for who I am and believe me I know myself …I have a terrible character that stings everyone who comes too close me( this is one of the reasons i haven't contacted anyone of my friends in the past few months , lied to them and cut them out of my life) on the surface I can be sweet but under those layers I am your worst nightmare I have to admit when I burn it hurts pretty bad but I swear I tried to be a good and loving person I know it shouldn't be too hard but I failed so many times… I guess I am better in being alone , if I could I would probably become a nun and live a happy solitary life but there are no such places where I live I have seen only one nun here and I am pretty sure she was some kind of tourist...

I am cold as a stone and you probably ask why stone and not ice well because ice melts and turns into something else and it is not solid or cold anymore but a stone no matter how long you heat it up at the end when the fire dies it is still cold, hard and unchanged

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